


Everyone Needs a Fancy Camel

by Sharkseye



Series: Lets Try This Again... [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean is Lucifer, M/M, Pre-Slash, kinda a vessel!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 16:16:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sharkseye/pseuds/Sharkseye
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer and Paimon deal with the aftermath of bringing Cas to Hell, serious and immature conversations ensue.  This is cut short when Crowley pages Lucifer to reluctantly sort through souls in Hell because of crossroad contracts.  Thoughts on Death and a certain little sibling follows</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone Needs a Fancy Camel

**Author's Note:**

> Kay, sorry for the late update, this was almost a page shorter. I won't be updating again 'till Thursday, so I hope everyone enjoys this!
> 
> Anyone who noticed the Missed the Boat lyrics gets a cookie! Lucifer would totally be a fan of Modest Mouse

Appearing again in his room, Lucifer cast his gaze around for Paimon, whom he quickly found sitting with his back up against the headboard on the bed Cas had recently vacated.

“Hello Lucifer” Paimon said, cracking an eye open and then scooting over, patting the bed for Lucifer to sit down on.  A smirk crossed his face “So everything will be alright with your precious little angel?”

“Shut up” Lucifer glared, resisting sitting down until Paimon brought out the puppy dog face, a look that worked really well on his more feminine features.   Relenting, Lucifer sat down, Paimon instantly pressing up against him and presenting his shoulder for Lucifer to lean on.  He rested his head on the offered shoulder and flicked his eyes up to look at Paimons face before he answered “Ya, he’ll be okay, and I think he’ll even come ‘round.  Hopefully I managed to convince him that I’m still Dean.  Anyways, what the hell happened to him and how’d you find him?”

Paimon grimaced, “I brought a legion out to chase some angels, and found him already fighting them.  Gotta say though Luce, you pick ‘em well.  Castiel is probably the most insane angel out there, he was holding his own against five angels and had already killed one.  Anywho, I recognized him but wasn’t sure how long he would last, so I just sent the whole legion in, we restrained him and sent the others angels packing.  He kept on fighting me till he passed out, then again, I always thought that the ones with lots of stamina would be your type”

Paimon laughed at his last comment and Lucifer punched him in the side, a hard feat to perform while also leaning on his shoulder, then when that didn’t work out he choose to ignore it “We all have to be a little insane, it’s the only way to live.  And I told you he was a badass little dude with wings.  I remember he went through Zachariah’s lackeys like butter and tried to go up against Alastair even though he was still affected from hell and the bastard was a pretty strong archdemon.  Everyone’s gunning for him, but he’ll make it.” He paused, frowning and upset about the fact that Cas would have to.  “Still, fucking angels going after him.   I have to figure out how to get them to understand that no one is allowed to touch him

Lucifer felt Paimon nodding slowly and paused again “You have an idea?”

“Well come on now, I would’ve thought you’d already guessed” Paimon joked, then went serious “Dude.  You’re _the_ King of Hell, you aren’t a human anymore.  You know how to make an angel beg and bleed, how to send a message.  You can either wait for the next attack on him, or go find the angels that he fought with this time.  But either way, have a little fun and leave a brutal warning.”

Lucifer stilled, thinking.  Paimon was right.  Lucifer knew how to torture, how to send a message that couldn’t be ignored.  Once again his angelic and human self warred with each other though, something they hadn’t done for the past weeks in hell.  The only difference was that they both were possessively agreeing with the ends, just disagreeing on the means.  His old angelic self, now woken, wanted to completely tear apart the angels who had almost killed Castiel, to force them to stay inside their vessels, string them up on racks and stripe careful breaks through every bone in their wings as a start.  His human self argued against this, saying he should wait until he knew the angels were the ones to attack Cas, should let these ones go, but lay waste to anyone else who touched his friend. 

Damn it, times like this it was so hard to decide which to listen to.  He could always ask Cas what had happened, but then he’d have to figure out a way to not let him know why Lucifer wanted to know.  Cas still felt bad for killing his brothers, and wouldn’t take kindly to Lucifer maiming them if he found out.  So he’d have to wait, Lucifer finally decided.  He’d keep an eye on Cas, and then if anyone else attacked him, Lucifer could pay them back most kindly in all his torturous glory.

Relaying his decision in slightly different terms to Paimon, the archdemon grinned, evidently pleased, even if he mock complained about Lucifer getting soft.  Then again, he was compared to the way the devil had been before.  But Lucifer was still unstable right now from what had just almost happened, and now he couldn’t not dwell on it.

“You’ll still be here though, right?  Even though I’m changing everything to be more humane?”  Lucifer asked quietly, staring determinedly at the bed.   Fucking abandonment issues just wouldn’t let go.  Them and the reasoning behind them were things he could’ve happily lived without now that he was an archangel again.  But no, couldn’t catch a break.

“Oh fuck no, I’m leaving right away.”  Paimon laughed, but then halted as he noticed the tension in Lucifer.  He could feel Paimon moving to try and meet Lucifer’s eyes, but continued to look away, embarrassed.  “Hey, don’t worry Luce, I’m not going anywhere, doesn’t matter what happens, I promise I’ll be there.”

“Alright” Lucifer replied, curling in on himself slightly.  Damn it, why’d have to bring that up.

“No really, tell me what this is about” Paimon prodded, sounding genuinely concerned

 “It’s unimportant.  Just, as a human everyone left me.  It’s part of why I realized I might not be right about the whole anger thing.  If everyone leaves you, you’re doing something majorly wrong.” Lucifer bit his lip and fidgeted as Paimon wrapped his arm around the archangel and squeezed slightly.  He basked in the comfort for a moment before straightening “And while we’re on the subject, can we change the subject now before either of us manages to turn this into even more of a chick flick moment than it already is?” 

Paimon laughed at this and removed his arm, leaning back and then shuffling around to recline.  “Lucy, in some mythologies on earth I _am_ a chick.  I mean, all I’m missing here is my dromedary.  You take a female vessel and we can braid each others hair and paint nails all day.”

“Fuck off man! I like this vessel, and don’t ever call me that” Lucifer protested, crossing his arms.  “Anyways, where are you getting all this modern speech?  I’m almost a hundred percent sure Cas has spent more time on earth in the past ten years than you have, and he wouldn’t know a pop culture reference if it wore bright green and smacked him over the head.”

“Yes, but I spent all my time on Earth having fun with people.  Plus, I’m completely demon, not an angel anymore, so right there I’m automatically more adaptable, _Lucy_.”  Paimon teased and jumped away slightly, laughing as Lucifer jabbed him for the nickname

“You know what, I’m going to give you your own bad nickname.  Cause while I can deal with Luce, I will not let Lucy pass me by without retribution.  _Camel_.”  Lucifer hissed, the only thing he could think of coming out and admittedly not being as annoying as he wanted it to be.

“Camel!”  Paimon cried out in mock outrage.  He did do quite a lot of mocking these days, now that he knew he wouldn’t be smote “It’s a dromedary Lucifer.  Someone of your high standing should know such a thing.  They are _completely_ different.  A dromedary has one hump, and is far more regal”

“Everything is regal when it’s slow” Lucifer quipped before rolling off the bed as Paimon lunged for him.  Lucifer hit the ground laughing and flew to the other side of the room, well out of the archdemons reach and almost in tears from laughter.  It really wasn’t as funny as he was making it out to be, but Lucifer was still riding an adrenalin high from almost losing Cas, and everything was funnier when not in a perfect mindset.  Paimon stared at Lucifer angrily for a few more seconds before he too burst out laughing and they stood and sat there, giggling uncontrollably.  Oh Father, if anyone could see them now.  Highest kings of hell, busting a gut over fancy camels. 

Finally Lucifer managed to get himself under control, feeling lighter than he had in months.  “Alright, that’s it.  We are so getting stoned one of these days.  Shitty idea, but it’ll be awesome.”

Paimon nodded, but before he could say anything about it a role of parchment appeared on Lucifer’s desk and he groaned.  Crap, all the stuff going on and he had completely forgotten about the crossroads meeting he had been in when Paimon called him. 

“What is it?”  Paimon asked interestedly, leaning forwards slightly.

Lucifer walked over, picked up the paper and read it over quickly.  The crossroad king Crowley wanted to speak with Lucifer at his earliest convenience and he hoped the emergency that had called him away wasn’t too dire.  That was the demons way of picking for information, trying to find out what was happening without actually asking.  Lucifer liked Crowley, as much as one could like someone they knew would betray them as soon as it was better for themselves.  He was intelligent though, and due to Lucifer’s manipulations, he was more beneficial to Crowley alive and king of hell than dead.  Since Lilith was dead, he had been given charge of the crossroads and was in the inner circle of demons that Lucifer kept close and gave more information.  He didn’t really trust any of the demons in his inner circle though, Paimon was the only demon he trusted, and Paimon had been an angel once, a long time ago. 

During the crossroads meeting, Lucifer had asked Crowley to round up all the souls in hell who were there because of deals, demonized or not.  He would have to go through them at some point, sooner rather than later. 

“The crossroads meeting I recently flew out of.  Do you have any idea any idea how many people are in Hell because of demon deals?  I mean, two arrived in the past month since I got here, and that’s only about two and a half days up on earth.  I don’t know what for yet, but that’s tons.”  Lucifer said, writing a quick reply with his grace, sending it and turning back to the archdemon “I have to go, leaving with no notice isn’t a good way to keep allies.”

“Sucks, but go right ahead.  I’m positive I’ll be having more fun than you.” Paimon agreed, grinning. 

Lucifer rolled his eyes and made to leave, but then stopped, turning back “Speaking of you having more fun than me, can you check up on Cas and my human brother every once in a while?”

“Yup, don’t worry ‘bout it.”  Paimon said, but just because he really wasn’t in a serious mood added, “I’ll keep yellow notepads full of information on their every habit.  I’ll inform you of every little thing they do, before they’ve even realized they’re going to do it.”

Flipping Paimon the bird, Lucifer disappeared, cleaning Cas’s vessels blood off his hands and reappearing back in the meeting room he had left.  Crowley didn’t appear surprised at his entrance, but there was a red eye that jumped and attempted to be subtly invisible as it slunk away.  Crowley looked irritated with the demon, but smoothed his face out as he met Lucifer’s gaze

“Ah, yes.  So do you want to see the souls now?  We finished rounding them up while you were gone” He said, businesslike and official.  Impressed at the efficiency, Lucifer agreed and let Crowley lead him down further into hell.  They finally got to a large auditorium like room, filled with souls in all different states of demonization.  Lucifer tried to not let it show, but he was surprised at the sheer number.  There had to be at least three hundred in the room.  It was going to days to sort through them all, he’d probably have to get some help. 

“This is the first room of four” Crowley stated, smirking as Lucifer inwardly groaned.  Fuck days, this was going to take years. 

 

~*~

 

Lucifer managed to make it two days without a long break, going through tons of different souls, combing them out into three different categories.  Those who were to be sent up into heaven, those who needed to do more of some kind of pertinence for their lives before going to heaven, and those who would stay in hell.  He hadn’t met anyone he knew yet, and had been startled to realize that he never actually understood how many different things people were willing to go to hell for.  He had gone to Hell for his brother’s life, but he knew that some people had gone there for lesser reasons.  He had just never truly understood how stupid some people were. 

There were so many souls who had made demon deals for money, power, lust, a couple years of good fortune, to be better than everyone else or other superficial reasons.  Things that would never be worth an eternity in hell.  But then there were also the good souls to restore his faith in humanity whenever it slipped, the parents who had given their lives for the health of a failing child, the children who had given everything to make their family happy, others who paralleled Lucifer’s own deal. 

It was completely exhausting, feeling like your heart was going to spilt in two sometimes, and then being furious, wanting nothing more than to grab a soul, throw it down on a rack and start carving.  Crowley had left early on, but Lucifer had continued, sorting and talking with the hundreds of doomed souls, trying to make a difference where one should be made.  And there had been quite a lot to change.  He’d cordoned off a bunch of souls to send to heaven, and moved more to a new section of hell that was like community service. 

He’d been thinking for quite a long time on how to get the souls to heaven, and finally narrowed it down to Option A of releasing Death.  Death may be a horseman, but he was neutral just like his reapers.  He was natural like none of the other horsemen were, and if Death rose, Lucifer could discus with him how to proceed with moving souls.  He had no illusions that Death would be easy to talk to, from what he knew of the horseman Death acted above everyone else, and with good reason.  The guy was immensely powerful, and the keeper of balance.  Natural order.  This, Lucifer found quite funny, as himself, Cas and Sam had been screwing with natural order for so long, being resurrected and moving around the different planes of existence like it was perfectly normal. 

Lucifer would have to talk with beings he could trust first, ask them about the plan.  Unfortunately, since becoming Lucifer that list had become even smaller than it was before.  Paimon and Cas.  Sam accurately thought he was the devil and Bobby would too, so he really didn’t have anyone to discuss something like this with.  Paimon would be all over it, and Cas would be against it.  Damn it, he really needed to find someone who didn’t know he was Lucifer, or wasn’t on a side in this war.

He paused suddenly, on the edge of realization from a memory.  He hadn’t been up to heaven in what felt like forever, but during the past month spent in hell he had hidden himself and opened up to the song of the host, just to hear it again.  He had listened for quite a while, but hadn’t heard one voice that should have been there.  Quickly flying to his room and making sure it was empty, Lucifer hid himself, weaving his grace tightly until he was the brightness of a human, a draining feat when one was accurately called The Morning Star.  Once he was sure no one would be able to sense him amongst the glory of the archangels, he slowly pulled open his connection to the Host, bypassing the many wards forgotten and rotting there to keep him out. 

Ah, how beautiful, it sounded like a true home.  Something he had never been able to let go of.  Nevertheless, back to identifying.  There was Michael, oh, and Raphael… Hanael, Kepharel.  He counted the names off, continuing to listen and identify archangels.  After he had listened for about an hour, he was sure he was right.  There was one voice missing that had no reason to be gone.  A grin spread across his face.  If he was correct, and he was sure he was, this could go very well for him indeed. 

The crossroad souls would have to wait.  Lucifer had a little brother of his to find.


End file.
